


The light behind your eyes

by FreckledYamaguchi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Death, Forgive Me, Gen, Hate me, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, I hate myself for this, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Please Kill Me, Poor birbs, Songfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, i'm terribly sorry, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:51:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7910668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreckledYamaguchi/pseuds/FreckledYamaguchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The light behind your eyes by my chemical romance + daisuga in a fic that I'm terribly sorry for writing</p>
            </blockquote>





	The light behind your eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carxies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carxies/gifts).



> Trigger warning suicide  
> Suicide attempt  
> Please don't read if that triggers you. 
> 
> I kind of rushed this halfway through so I apologize  
> Written and edited while half asleep so... 
> 
> But anyhoo,  
> I hope you enjoy :D

It was a good day. Suga had his classes till five only and it was daichi's day off. He was exhausted as he made his way back home, but at least daichi was waiting for him there, in their apartment they shared for four years, since the beginning of college. 

“Dai! I'm home!” he called as he entered the apartment taking his shoes off and leaving his bag by the door. 

When he got no response, he headed to the kitchen finding the lights on but Daichi not there. 

_ ‘Maybe he's just taking a nap’ _

He thought to ease the worry bubbling in his chest as he headed to his room. Even though Daichi didn't usually nap at this time of the day. 

His worry doubled over when he didn't find him there. They both sleep in suga's room leaving daichi's room because suga's had a balcony. 

Suga dashed to daichi's room, relaxing slightly when he saw him in bed there. Maybe he was too exhausted he fell asleep there. 

 

But then something caught his eye and his heart fell to his knees. 

Two bottles of medicine lay empty on the nightstand with an empty cup. 

He dashed to daichi, shaking his shoulder to wake him up. 

“Daichi! Daichi wake up! Wake up!” 

He still didn't wake up. Suga's tears were already running down his cheeks, he knew what that meant but refused to believe it. 

_ ‘this isn't happening… this shouldn't be happening…why…’ _

Suga ran grabbing his phone and calling the first number that popped in his jumbled mind. Asahi. 

“Daichi.. Daichi… Asahi, Daichi…” suga sobbed into the phone. 

“Suga! What is it? Daichi what? “Asahi tried to keep his tone soft because Suga was sobbing and that meant something was terribly wrong with Daichi. 

“He won't wake up... Two empty bottles of medicine… next to him…” suga choked out between sobs. 

“Have you… checked his pulse?” Asahi said softly trying to not burst into tears as well. This was far from worst. 

Suga did as he was told and fell to his knees dropping the phone and sobbing even more. 

“I'll be right there suga!” Asahi said through the phone realizing what happened but suga didn't hear. 

After that everything was a blur to suga. Asahi came and dragged him away while suga kept sobbing. 

“No... Asahi…nononono…this is not happening Asahi…nononono… Daichi… “ suga kept repeating between heart wrenching sobs clinging to Asahi. 

He was taken to his room, Asahi trying to sooth him while trying not to break himself, even though he knew it was no use. 

They could hear the ambulance Asahi had called before coming. Suga wanted to go to Daichi but Asahi stopped him knowing how it would only hurt him more, seeing Daichi's body being taken away. Limp. Dead. 

 

Time became a blur to suga. He just stopped functioning. He didn't get out of bed, which was the couch now because he couldn't bear to stay in his room where everything screamed Daichi. 

He didn't eat, or do anything. It's as if his life ended with daichi's. He just spent his days crying his eyes out, and it wasn't enough. 

 

Suga's mind was a mess. A jumbled mess of unanswered questions and assumed answers his mind came up. A lot of what's and why's that won't stop nagging at his brain with the unbelievability of what happened. 

 

Suga's phone kept ringing all the time but he didn't answer. He couldn't. One time his doorbell kept ringing and, no matter how much he ignored it the person outside didn't leave. Then he heard the door get unlocked and looked up from his place on the couch seeing it was Yamaguchi who entered. 

“How-” suga started before being cut by Yama. 

“Thank god you're alive! Everyone is so worried about you. We thought something happened to you.” Yama's voice was dripping with worry and it was obvious he was trying to keep his voice leveled. 

Suga just gave him a sad smile from where he was curled up on the couch. 

Suga looked horrible. His eyes were swollen and puffy from crying and he had bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess, and his face was exhausted and sullen. It broke Yamaguchi's heart seeing Suga who's such a cheerful, bright and lovely person like this. 

“Do you want tea?” Yama asked sitting next to suga casually, trying to help and not to be a bother, which suga appreciated. 

“Yes, please” Suga replied as Yama got up heading towards the kitchen. 

Suga got up as well going to the bathroom. He splashed his face with water, not looking in the mirror. He looked horrible and he knew it. Still he tried to look kind of better, poor Yama didn't deserve to deal with him like this.

He came back taking his spot on the couch as Yama handed him his cup of tea. 

“Mint tea is your favorite, right?” Yamaguchi asked taking a seat next to him with his own cup of tea. 

“Yes, thanks dear.” suga said with a small smile. Yama really knew what to do for suga.

A few minutes passed with both of them just sipping their drinks before Yamaguchi spoke up. 

“Asking how are you doing would be kind of dumb, wouldn't it now?” He said and suga just shrugged. 

“I know this is horrible and hard and unbelievable. Just know I'm here for you, and so is everyone. I, no we, we don't want to lose two people, we don't want to lose you suga. Life doesn't stop, even if you'd rather it does. We want and need you with us. Daichi wouldn't want this, even if he ended his life he would never want to end yours. I know this sounds like all those talks people give trying to make you feel better when they wouldn't, especially coming from a psychology major twat like me.” Yama chuckled lightly trying to contain his emotions. Suga was watching him intently. “But it's the truth, we want and need you with us suga, please don't leave us too… “ Yama's voice cracked with the last sentence. 

“Yama… ” Suga whispered hugging Yamaguchi. 

“I know you're not okay. I'm not asking you to be okay, just be.. “ Yama said hugging suga back running his fingers through his hair soothingly. 

Suga sobbed into Yama's shoulder as quietly as possible not able to contain it anymore. 

“He loved you, really freaking much.“ yama whispered making suga's sobs increase against his shoulder. “you were everything to him. “suga's sobs increased with every word. “even though he-” suga shushed Yama with a finger.

Yama knew this was kind of cruel when daichi had just died but suga needed to let it out. He couldn't keep it in to eat away at him. 

“Escaping reality and shutting yourself out only results in you spiraling down.”

Yama said as suga cracked in his arms. His barely kept together fragile facade shattering as he sobbed his eyes out in Yamaguchi's shoulder till he ran out of tears and resided to silent dry sobs wrecking his frame as Yama held him. 

“You have to face it. It's horrible and you'd rather not, but you have to. For you. Accept it. You don't deal with grief by hiding from it. You deal with it by grieving. Please do that Suga. I'll support you with everything but you have to.” Yama continued. 

“This kind of sudden to everyone but, the funeral is tomorrow. No one's handling it well, we need you.” Yama said and Suga just held onto him. All this was too much for him.

Yama ended up staying the whole day. Just holding suga, silently telling him he's here for him. Making sure Suga ate and trying to make him do anything.Yama ended up sleeping over. Taking suga to his bed when he finally fell asleep because of exhaustion and staying on the couch himself. 

 

The next day was another blur.

They got up early. Suga put on his best black suit and tried to look presentable,despite just wanting to crawl back on the couch and hide from all this.

After Yamaguchi made sure suga was ready he left to get ready himself after giving suga a firm long hug and assuring him he'll be there at the funeral and suga was left to his thoughts again. 

The same questions that were in his head all the time now were playing over and over as he headed to the funeral. 

_ Why? Why did he do it? Was it suga's fault? Has he been planning it? Why did he not tell suga anything before? Did he not trust him? Why did he not leave anything?  _

He reached the funeral and immediately had Asahi and Yamaguchi by his side. Asahi just have him a sad smile which he returned with one of his own and Yama was just by his side silently reassuring he's there. 

 

The funeral was packed with Daichi's Family and friends. 

Suga was told he had to say an eulogy. He knew that'd probably happen, he's the closest person to Daichi, and the vice captain of Karasuno after all,but he was far from prepared. He didn't even want to be there. It was too much for him,but he had to do it, for the team, and for everyone. 

“Daichi..” he started before stopping so he won't cry in front of everyone. 

“I'm sorry, I don't have words I can say that'll do him justice… I can't.”

He said before breaking into sobs and being taken away to the rest of his team,all of them standing by his side supporting him as he sobbed his eyes out. 

Another blur went by where all the teams they knew in high school came giving their condolences to him and the team. Then Yama insisted on walking him home. 

 

When he entered the apartment his heart sank. Yamaguchi's words were resonating in his tired mind as he made his way slowly to Daichi's room.

A single folded piece of paper rested on daichi's nightstand. Suga's heartbeat increased knowing what that probably is. He took the paper with a shaking hand, sitting on daichi's bed. 

 

_ ‘Koushi’  _ was written on the front of the paper in Daichi's neat blocky handwriting, tears already welled up in suga's eyes. He unfolded it and began to read through teary eyes. 

 

_ “koushi…  _

_ I'm dead. I took my life. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I will miss you all. You. The team. Everyone.  _ __  
_ if you only knew what I would say,If I could be with you…  _ __  
__  
_ I failed and lost this fight,but you didn't. Don't die for me, koushi. live on. Don't waste your time mourning my death. Be strong. When time comes for us, you’ll understand.  _ __  
_ We’ll say goodbye today, and I'm sorry how it ends this way. I really am,but I had to.  _ __  
_ If you promise not to cry, then I’ll tell you just what I would say if I could be with you koushi..  _ __  
  


_ Sometimes we must grow stronger, and _ __  
_ you can be stronger. when I'm gone, you must be stronger koushi… for me.  _ __  
__  
_ I failed and lost this fight. Never fade in the dark.  _ _  
_ __ Just remember you will always burn as bright. 

_ Live on for me.  _

_ Never let them take the light behind your eyes.” _

Suga's eyes were blurred over, tears streaming down his face sobbing quietly as he finished, his heart clenching and chest aching a lump lodging itself in his throat. 

“They already did, Dai...” he sobbed. He had already faded. 

He sobbed his eyes out till he passed out on daichi's bed note in hand. Accepting it. 

 

Daichi is dead, but he must live on. For him.

… 

 

It was a good day. Suga had work till five only and the kids he teaches were weirdly calm, which was surprising of a bunch of high schoolers in math class. He was exhausted as he made his way back home,taking his usual route. 

 

He stopped by a florist shop, greeting Yachi who spontaneously decided to start the shop right when she started university. Suga found it absolutely adorable. He took his usual, a tiny bouquet of a few white flowers. 

 

“Hey Dai.” He whispered as he sat cross legged in front of Daichi's gravestone, laying the flowers in front of it with a sad smile. 

“it's been two years huh?” he said with a chuckle waiting a moment as if daichi would answer. 

“I miss you…so fucking much” he whispered his voice breaking as tears welled up in his eyes. 

“it hasn't been the same since then, never will be. It's hard Daichi… This is all for you.” He whispered, voice choked and tears streaming down his face. 

 

It has been like this. Life does not stop or wait for Suga. Time doesn't heal as they say. The pain doesn't lessen. The loneliness he feels doesn't go away. The emptiness in his chest isn't filled by anything, but he lives.

It's all still there, even if temporarily pushed back by life,but suga goes on with his life. He takes his Mathematics teaching degree, he works, he goes through everyday. For daichi. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself cry too many times writing this.  
> I'm terribly sorry, please kill me  
> I'm a terrible human  
> How did I do this  
> Poor children didn't deserve this  
> Please yell at me in the comments and kill me :D  
> (also sorry about the formatting Google docs hates me, I'll try to fix it when my brain is functioning)


End file.
